Having fear is the adrenaline you experience when you are being chased by a deadly animal who will not concede defeat until either you face it (by killing it), or it eats you up. Fear pushes you to be on your toes to think, in order to save yourself. Fear is ultimately, being afraid of an outcome. As a teenager, I fear losing trust from others. Trust mean a lot to me. Losing trust meant lost of freedom, what people my age will call, life.
The red markings on my paper appeared as scratches onto my heart, the more I look at it, the more I feel torn inside. The four letters, spelling FAIL, got me gobsmacked for almost a good hour. I failed my first test in Secondary School. But how? But why? I questioned silently.
What will my parents think? My results have been going downhill since mid-years. The countless times I have been told to do my best, try harder next time, were as though I turned a deaf ear to them. I did try my best, not procrastinating. However I guessed, I did not try hard enough. I was told to get my parents' signature beside the heart-wrenching report of my performance. I was doomed.
My phone will be taken away. The only device which stores my entire social life and keeps me in the loop of my social circle is now going to disappear. I cannot possibly live like this, I have never tried it. The fact that this was not even half of the things I was going to lose, made me feel worse.
The effect of fear is kicking in, should I contrive an escape? Can I avoid this situation by forging the signature? It was not normal of me to be thinking of such dishonourable ideas. Times like this, I was on the verge of breaking down. My sensible mind would answer no to those questions. After all, I am a student leader. The fear was ineffable.
I was losing the battle to fear. If I cannot kill it, I will have to face it. Cold sweat trickled down my forehead and palms as I walked along the lonely alley towards home. It was never this lonely and solemn before. I took a breath as deep as I could before entering the gates to where all the drama is about to happen, knowing that it might be the last taste of freedom I will ever get, until who knows when.
"I am sorry mommy. I know you are very disappointed. I am too. I will do better next time."
I should have known this was coming. I should have cancelled my hangout sessions, my youtube sessions on those dates leading up to my exams. At that point, I remembered the childhood story told to me, the boy who cried wolf. Except now I am the girl who cried improvement too many times. "I will do better next time" were meant to be powerful words. But I have turned them into hollow stones to throw as situations like these overtime. It carried no meaning anymore.
The many chances I was given to change before something like this actually happen, I took them all for granted. I would not be let off this time for the fact that I have gone too far. I failed. No more time off to do my own things, no more phones, and my whole 24 hours were on surveillance. I felt suffocated and I deserved it.The outcome was as painful as arrows being shot at my heart, literally. The adrenaline which was once present in my veins has now stopped flowing. The battle with fear was finally over. After the experience, I was sure I never wanted to enter such a battle ever again.
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